Me.

I don’t know where to begin. I am shy so I usually like to keep to myself. I don’t usually like telling too much about me to anyone. I don’t like people seeing me face, but I’ve always struggled with self-esteem.

I can say that once someone takes the time to get to know me it’s almost impossible not to like me – as long as I like you too 😉

I know most of my problems came from my time in my parent’s home. I was homeschooled and had very little socializing. I am the 4th oldest of eleven children (five brothers and five sisters).

We weren’t really given an opportunity to have friends outside of the family. If we could strike up a friendship with anyone we weren’t allowed to just go hang out with them. My parents had to know where everyone was and what everyone was doing 24/7. We weren’t bad kids, never did bad stuff, there was nothing to fear from us. I wasn’t able to have any real friends till I made it to college. Dating was pretty much forbidden until we were out of the house.

Self esteem issues? Well, we were discouraged from ever telling any of our siblings that they looked pretty/nice/beautiful etc. My mother said it would make us vain and that we would only care about physical instead of inner beauty. None of us were that shallow.
None of us girls got to even contemplate wearing makeup till we were in our late teen years – and you would never hear the end of it from mom if you chose to wear bright colors or anything other than neutral.
Clothing had to be picked by mom. All of my life I had to wear stuff that my grandma would wear. Pants and shirts could not be tight. If your shirt showed even just a little lower than your collar bone it was too indecent. Being forced to hide myself all my life made me so insecure with how I looked.

If anyone gives me a compliment on my looks I think they’re lying – its hard to feel they’re genuine when it’s such a rarity to hear. When I met my boyfriend, my mother even made condescending remarks that there was no way he would want to be with me because of my looks – that there was no way he would ever stay with me because I wasn’t good enough for any guy. We’re still together and don’t see anything that could make us break up.

Well, here I am, without a mask. (I really love my haircut)

 

One more thing before I end.

Heartless is my pen name, but it’s not because I’m mean and heartless in that sense. It’s because I’m basically living without a heart anymore. I’m a hollow, empty husk and Heartless is what best describes me now. I can only hope that one day I’ll find a way to get my heart back.

 

Ok then, I’ll be posting my weekly book recommendation later on today.

Also, the giveaway is a sure thing! Just give me another day or two and I’ll let you know how you can enter – even get extra entries – and what all of the winner goodies will entail!

Cheers!

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